Yech! Is That Me?: I?ve decided that mid-life is really the pits. There. I?ve said it. And to think that I spent much of my adulthood so far seriously doubting that there even was such a thing as a ?mid-life crisis?. Silly me. What is, exactly, the nature of the ?crisis?? I wonder. Personally I think it?s the crisis of suddenly realizing your life is half over and you?re stuck in a marital and personal rut with no end in sight. I think it?s taking stock of who you are and what you?ve become and saying ?yech! Is that me??
I think it?s looking over at your husband reclining in his chair (or on the bed) watching TV while you are running around getting kids fed, bathed, dressed, and ready for bed all the while you are cleaning the kitchen, feeding the dog, and preparing lessons for Girl Scouts and wondering if it bothers his conscious any to see you so busy. (I?ve discovered they explain this away by easily offering this sage bit of advice: ?you don?t have to be that busy; just sit down a while.? as if the kitchen and the rest of the house is automated by little robots who?ll do it for you.)
I think the real crisis is in realizing that you might actually have to do something to fix things. You all know I have been diligently working with my therapist to sort out what?s what in my brain and life, and this is a good thing. But it is a hard thing because I?ve had to come out of my self-induced cocoon and face the reality of my existence and it hasn?t been very cheery.
Frankly, I don?t want to know that parts of my life will never be as I want. I don?t want to realize that my 15-year marriage is in jeopardy of death by mutual neglect and may never be what I want.
But through the yucky stuff (technical jargon for whatever ails you) comes a few rays of sunshine: I will emerge a strong, vibrant woman. I will feel my own sensuality and enjoy it . . . and I?m not even talking about sex. I will eventually be finally at peace with myself and love myself for the warm, giving person I am. And I will give for the right reasons ? not just to have someone ?approve? of me. At the end of this journey I will find a woman who went through it all for one very important person: herself.
Okay, you say, that?s all sounding wonderful, but what about now? Well, my dears, I?m out of answers for right now. Right now I?m still struggling, frankly, but I?m desperately trying to keep the light at the end of the tunnel in sight. Right now I really feel depressed and hopeless, but that won?t last forever. (Hopefully some of it will go away in a week or so when I get my period and this emotional PMS roller coaster ride ends.)
Maybe the real crisis is what happens when the ?child? in us comes face-to-face with the emerging ?woman? in us and panics. Maybe the real crisis is knowing that we made our lives what they are. Maybe the real crisis is recognition of the burnout we feel after rotely performing the same tasks day in and day out. Whatever it is, it?s obviously not going away easily.
Yes, Virginia, there really is such a thing as a mid-life crisis, but it?s just a bump in the road and then real life begins!
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